Posted on October 28, 2014

I’ve lost my sparkle…

personal

I’m really struggling at the moment, desperately unhappy and can’t seem to shake it!

My get up and go has got up and gone and I don’t know how to get it back.

I’m having trouble finding me…

Since my baby started school in September I have time to be me.

Yet I don’t know who I am or what I want to do.

Lero turned 18 yesterday.

I’ve been a Mum for 18 years, since I was just 19.

All I ever wanted to be was a Mum.

I can’t have anymore babies although I would desperately like one.

My sparkle has gone.

I’m so sad and grumpy.

I could cry all day.

I want to be happy and sparkly!

I don’t know how to find that again?

I don’t know what I want to do.

I can’t stay at home anymore.

I am so lonely.

I need to be out of the house working with people.

I just don’t know where to start because my get up and go has got up and gone.

The only thing I am good at is being a mum.

Most days I am crap at that.

I’m letting my kids down and I’m letting myself down.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself but I just don’t know how.

Healthy eating has gone out of the window and I’m getting fat again.

Spiralling out of control, the more I eat the worse I feel!

It’s a never ending circle and I just can’t stop!

Come back sparkle!

COME BACK PLEASE!!!!!

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33 Comments

  • Reply Thank you! | This Mummy Loves... November 7, 2014 at 10:31 am

    […] just want to say a big thank you to everyone that stopped by and left me a comment on my post last week, I was feeling so low at that point that I just needed to blurt out exactly how I was feeling and […]

  • Reply Rachel November 5, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    Hi Sonia,
    It is quite scary to feel like this and no matter how you tell yourself you will come out of it eventually you don’t quite believe it. It helps me to meet up with close friends with whom I don’t have to pretend to be jolly.
    Also walking my doggie. If you don’t have one borrow one and say hello to all the other dog walkers you meet.
    Rachel

  • Reply Instagram Weekly 20th Oct – 2nd Nov 14 | This Mummy Loves... November 3, 2014 at 10:39 am

    […] so busy with half term and celebrating Lero’s 18th birthday plus it didn’t help that I’ve been feeling like utter crap recently! So I’ve got a bumper issue this morning. It has been so lovely having the kids at home for […]

  • Reply Jane Brown November 1, 2014 at 9:03 am

    How about doing some voluntary work to get you out of the house. My boys’ school has a parent volunteer scheme where parents go into school and help with reading. I really enjoy it. Why not ask if your school would like help with anything?

  • Reply Mrs Teepot October 31, 2014 at 2:56 pm

    Oh sweety, you sound really low, have you spoken to a Dr or a counselor? Even a good friend? Sounds like you need to do some work on finding who you are (I know all about that, I have zero clue who I am).
    I hope you find your sparkle again soon *big hugs*

    • Reply Sonia October 31, 2014 at 5:58 pm

      Thanks so much hon, no I don’t really talk to anyway, maybe I should start x

  • Reply Susan Mann (@susankmann) October 30, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    Honey you are amazing and I wish I lived closer to you. I am here if you want to talk any time. So many others have given you such great advice here. I think it’s about taking the time, see what you’d like to do, don’t be hard on yourself and as Sally says you feel what you feel. I have been feeling similar and have been getting some cognitive behaviour therapy, it’s been helping me. You are not alone and you will get that sparkle back. I send you lots of love and hugs x

    • Reply Sonia October 31, 2014 at 5:58 pm

      Thanks so much hon x

  • Reply Gemma Hooper October 30, 2014 at 9:27 pm

    I sadly know the feeling, though I don’t have children, its just me. My motivation has been gone for years although I still have good days here and there. I don’t know what to say but I hope you get your sparkle back. Have you looked into volunteering? It’s a start to get out and about, meet new people and do something worthwhile. Hugs xxx

    • Reply Sonia October 31, 2014 at 5:57 pm

      Sending Hugs back! Thanks you xxx

  • Reply Amanda October 29, 2014 at 8:53 am

    You. Me. Night out?

  • Reply Clare @ Emmys Mummy October 29, 2014 at 8:16 am

    Huge hugs.
    I won’t pretend anything I say will make you feel better, I’m sorry, it probably won’t., but you’re not alone.

    Opening update and reaching out is a huge step so please feel proud of yourself for that.

    Maybe set yourself a mini task/challenge every few days? Coffee and a cake in town, it may even lead to a chat with that other lady sitting on the table next to you also forcing herself out of the house.
    X

    • Reply Sonia October 31, 2014 at 5:56 pm

      Thanks so much Clare, I think I’m going to do the mini challenge, sounds like a great idea x

  • Reply The Beesley Buzz October 28, 2014 at 11:52 pm

    really hope you are feeling back to yourself soon! I think it is a strange time for mums when their youngest goes to school – I remember feeling a big wobble when D first started school (he was my youngest then as it was before we had Miss T). Look after yourself and try not to shut yourself away from friends and family. xxx

    • Reply Sonia October 31, 2014 at 5:56 pm

      Thanks lovely x

  • Reply Lilinha Espindula October 28, 2014 at 11:04 pm

    I am sorry to hear you are not feeling yourself. It happens to all of us, one day or another. I noticed that my mood changed when the clocks went back, I am used to sunny Brazil and tend to get upset when the days are shorter.

    I am not sure whether it would help you, but when I am feeling down, I let myself feel sad for a day, stay in my onesie/pjs, eat lots of ice cream, chocolate and cake, but the next day I wake up and tell myself that, after allowing myself to feel sad for a day, it is time to get up and do something, no matter how small it is! xx big hugs xxx

    • Reply Sonia October 31, 2014 at 5:55 pm

      Thanks lovely, I’ve had quite a few days like that so really need to pick myself up and get on with it now 😉 x

  • Reply Jen Walshaw October 28, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    That Evil Overlord speaks a lot of truth. Firstly small steps make a big difference and I hated it when my boys went to school, in fact I still do.

    October is hard and dark and I really wouldn’t be without my SAD lamp.

    FInding a friend and also making sure I get outside helps. Having Alvin (the puppy) at home is also much better as it means I have to get out and take a walk and some air.

    • Reply Sonia October 31, 2014 at 5:55 pm

      Thanks Jen, I may look into getting a SAD lamp.

  • Reply Dawnie Brown October 28, 2014 at 6:32 pm

    Oh sis, I wished you lived closer so we could spend more time together 🙁

    You’re an amazing mum and I’m always jealous about how everybody loves you whereas I’m the one usually hiding in a corner being miserable 🙂

    Hopefully it’s just these first few weeks that are hitting hard and you’ll start to enjoy your freedom a bit more after half term. At least being down there you are always surrounded by loads of bloggers to meet up with, you should try a few weeks up in the wild north east lol

    • Reply Sonia October 31, 2014 at 5:54 pm

      Thanks sis x

  • Reply Sally October 28, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    Hmm. I predict you’ll get lots of comments telling you that you’re amazing (you are), very beautiful (also true) and an amazing Mum, photographer, blogger and friend (all also true). But the challenge is what to do when those things don’t feel true.

    Kids starting school and accepting that your family is complete can be real big changes in life and as my Mum likes to tell me, “You feel what you feel” – don’t give yourself a hard time because you’re finding a big change hard to cope with.

    For me, when life’s a bit rubbish, I choose one thing a day (sometimes it’s just one thing a week) that feels like a positive step. Maybe I go for a swim, or a coffee with a friend, or I make one home-cooked healthy meal. The next day or week, I do one more thing. Then I tell myself that every day I’m a step closer to where I want to be. It might be a tiny step, but it’s a step closer. The journey of a thousand steps and all that, eh?

    • Reply Sonia October 31, 2014 at 5:53 pm

      Thanks Sally, great advice now to put it into practise 🙂

  • Reply TheBoyandMe October 28, 2014 at 4:31 pm

    No! You’re not crap, you’re awesome. You are not useless at anything else other than being a mum, you’re a very good photographer and a really lovely person; kind and generous.

    I think this is a common thing when children start school and there’s not another to occupy at home? I struggled last year when The Boy started school and it took ages to shake it. I think you need to get out of the house and mix with people; distract yourself. Fake it until you can make it. Can you help with a photography course somewhere? In the secondary school? Or offer to teach the older children in the children’s primary school how to take photos?

    • Reply Sonia October 31, 2014 at 5:54 pm

      Thanks so much lovely. I hadn’t thought of that, maybe I will ask at school to see if they would like that x

  • Reply Ruth October 28, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    Woah! Sonia. No, enough of this. Easier said than done I’m sure but I’d love to help you back on your merry way, at least from a nutrition point of view. Why not come on an adventure to Cardiff for the day…? Or better still pick up the phone or let’s have a Skype. I know I’m always celebrated as one of life’s positive people but believe me the dark days feel really, really dark and I’d love to try and help you in whatever way I can. I’ll be here, as and when you feel ready to get in touch. Let’s start Project “Sparkly Sonia” in time for Christmas. You’ve got this, I know you have… xxx

    • Reply Sonia October 31, 2014 at 5:52 pm

      Thank you so much Ruth, I think I may be calling on you very soon! xx

      • Reply Ruth October 31, 2014 at 6:06 pm

        I’d love that. Speak soon xxx

  • Reply The Reading Residence October 28, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    Sorry to read this, Sonia. I’m quite sure you are being a great mum, and that you do know how to be so much more. I hope you find your sparkle again soon, but in the meantime, sending hugs x

    • Reply Sonia October 31, 2014 at 5:51 pm

      Thanks so much x

  • Reply Gemma October 28, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    You could have written that about me! Been feeling rubbish and you just helped me figure that’s exactly how I feel too! Only I do want another baby but I’m just rubbish at getting pregnant!!
    Here if you ever need to talk

    • Reply Sonia October 31, 2014 at 5:51 pm

      Sending you big hugs lovely, sorry you have been feeling like this too… Hope that baby happens for you really soon xx

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